Look at Shana’s abs.

Besides her being pregnant, Shana has had abs since I’ve known her, and I’ve known her for 19 years.
You know why Shana has had abs for 19 years?
Because she CONSISTENTLY EATS WELL AND LIFTS HEAVY SHIT.
That’s her secret, CONSISTENTLY LIFTING HEAVY SHIT AND EATING WELL.
THE BIG THREE GO HAND IN HAND IN HAND.
YOU LEAVE ONE OF THESE THINGS OUT AND YOU’VE GOT DICK.
YOU LIFT HEAVY SHIT AND DON’T EAT WELL, YOU’LL BE BLOATED.
YOU EAT WELL AND DON’T LIFT, YOU’LL BE SKINNY WITH NO MUSCULATURE.
YOU DO BOTH LIFTING AND EATING WELL INCONSISTENTLY AND YOU GET 🤮
THIS IS NOT DIFFICULT TO FIGURE OUT, YOU DON’T NEED SOME DUMBASS TRAINING OR EATING PROGRAM YOU SEE ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS EAT WELL AND TRAIN HARD CONSISTENTLY.
IT’S INCREDIBLE THAT IT SOUNDS SO EASY YET PEOPLE HAVE A BETTER CHANCE WINNING LOTTO THAN ACCOMPLISHING THIS GOAL.

3 Rounds each Exercise
Row 2 Minutes / :90 Rest (Shoot for 500/400 meters)
Ski 2 Minutes / :90 Rest (Shoot for 500/400 meters)
Bike 2 Minutes / :90 Rest (Shoot for 30/24 Cals)
Run 400 / :90 Rest

Pallof Press :30 hold each side then :30 rest x 2 sets
Half Kneeling Banded Chops :30 each side then :30 rest x 2 sets
Banded Russian Twists :30 each side then :30 rest x 2
Side Plank Rows :30 each side then :30 rest x 2
Banded Plank Row :30 hold each side :30 rest x 2 sets
Dead Bug with static band hold :30 on/ :30 rest x 2 sets
Copenhagen Plank :30 hold each side/ :30 rest x 2 sets
Hip Extension holds 2-3 Min hold

:30 work / :30 REST x 3 Sets (complete all 3 sets before moving to the next exercise)
Dips (Weighted if capable)
Incline DB Flyes
Tricep Press downs (Elbows glued to your lats)
DB Shrug (Leaning your torso forward)
Bent Over Barbell Rows (Pull the bar into your hip)
DB Side Laterals (Pronate your palm down like pouring an alcoholic beverage)
Front Plate Raises (Past your forehead)
DB Curl (Supinate your palm)
Barbell Curl (Cheating curls after failure)

Lorraine wanted to send you all a message, this is it, verbatim:
Hey, just wanted to express my sincerest gratitude to my Crossfit family.
The love and support I have received has been amazing, and has meant the world to me.
I go in Wednesday to begin taking care of this nonsense and will come back to see you guys as soon as I am on my feet.
Looking forward to taking some strolls with you guys while I complete this process and rehab my body back into shape.
My friends said they will need to strap me down and sedate me so I don’t try to workout. I keep asking my doc how far out until I can do a push-up again, LOL.
Love you guys, See you soon
Chris, Please email this for me.

Michelle wants to put the money together for Lorraine by the end of the day, so make sure you venmo her before 5pm today.
I thank you and Lorraine’s boobies thank you.

We haven’t done a HERO Wod in a bit, so here you go.

“The Seven”
7 Rounds For Time
7 Handstand Push-Ups
7 Thrusters (135/95 lb)
7 Knees-to-Elbows
7 Deadlifts (245/165 lb)
7 Burpees
7 Kettlebell Swings (2/1.5 pood)
7 Pull-Ups
Modify what you need to get through the workout without killing yourself.
You’re much better off lowering the weight and modifying the exercises so you’re able to keep moving through with little rest, or you can totally ignore me and move forward with annihilating yourself, so you can’t move for several days.

Someone in the gym was offended by my emails, I’m curious if anyone else is insulted or offended?
I write them with the intention of motivating you to eat well.
Look what it did for Mitch, he has only cheated once since he was called out for his obscene body fat percentage and he felt horrible about it. Now Mitch feels better and looks better, he’s even squatting again.
This is why I write them. I try to pound it into your head, day in and day out, email by email until you change your eating habits.
Look at Annie, she’s 82 years old and looks like she’s 40!
She was eating fuckin bagels everyday before she saw the light.
Look at Dave, he lost almost 20 lbs and now he looks fuckin great with definition instead of smoothness! Look at Amy, she stopped eating pasta and looks terrific, her arms look like defined quads! If fuckin works!
Whether you realize it or not reading, “Eat Meat, Chicken, Fish and Eggs” every fucking day has an effect on what you put in your mouth.
Your training doesn’t matter if you’re not eating well.
Unless you are genetically gifted or 20 years old and your goal is to look better it will never happen from training alone.
You know the saying, You can’t out train a bad diet, right? It’s the fuckin truth!
On the other hand you can look great from eating well and not training very hard, I’m not condoning it, but it’s true.
Eating well is Numero Uno, not only to look better but for your health as well.
Well, just so you know, the emails aren’t going to stop, not till everyone is eating properly.
You know what should make you want to eat well? When you eat well you’re hurting the big food industries pockets and they are the ones trying to poison us with the shit they put in our food to keep you coming back and purchasing their crap.
They treat us like fuckin idiots purposely lacing their foods with chemicals to keep you addicted for the purpose of profit.
So, if your health isn’t a good enough reason to eat well maybe knowing that every time you eat a cookie or piece of cake, that they just got over on you will help you stop buying their crap.
Don’t be a fuckin zombie, take control.

Run 400
1 Min Deep squat
10 Goblet Squat
10 Squat and reach
10 Cossack
10 World’s greatest stretch
5 Inchworm
10 Bird Dogs
10 Dead bugs
10 Single Leg Glute Bridge

Every 2:30
10 x 10
Back Squats
Swings
Increase 5-10 from last week

10 Min AMRAP
Run 200
10 DB Snatch 50/35
10 T2B

Run 400
Around the World x 20 each direction
Hip Airplane x 10
Single Leg RDL w/ KB x 10
Cat-Cow x 10
Bird Dog x 10
Side Plank clamshell x 10
Dead bug x 10
Single leg glute bridge x 10

Every 3 min x 5
Deadlift x 5
DB Bulgarian Split Squats x 8
Goblet Side Lunges x 6
Increase from last week

2 sets:
6 Minute Amrap
30 Double Unders
5 Hang Power Cleans @135/95
5 Thrusters @135/95
5 Burpee over Bar
Rest :90 b/t sets

We haven’t done a long one in a while.
How bout we don’t complain about this and we just do it?

3 Rounds

Run 400
100 FT. Goblet Walking Lunge
10 Toes 2 Bar / K2E / or 20 Sit ups

Ski 500/400
100 FT. Farmers Carry
10 Toes 2 Bar / K2E / or 20 Sit ups

Bike 30/24 Calories
100 FT. Double KB Overhead Walk
10 Toes 2 Bar / K2E / or 20 Sit ups

As some of you may have already heard, our beloved Lorraine has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
Yeah, I know, sucks. This is what happens when we age, shit starts to suck.
She is having surgery to remove her boobies on July 15th.
I know you all love Lorraine as much as I do so we are all going to make this a little easier for her by digging deep into our pockets to come up with a collection to put on a Doordash card for her so she doesn’t have to prepare dinner for her and her family while she is recovering, she’ll of course only be purchasing healthy food. Can you even buy healthy food through Doordash? Are we that lazy that no one can leave the house anymore to go buy groceries and cook healthy shit at home?
It’s incredible, the stupid ideas they come up with to support everyone’s terrible eating habits and kill us even quicker.
Who would have thought we would accept the idea of some random maniac picking up your fast food, driving it to your house and dropping it at your doorstep so bugs can crawl in the bag, especially flies, don’t flies puke on their food before they eat it? That’s disgusting.
Is it really that hard to get up and go to the grocery store, buy your food and cook it? I don’t even think you need to walk around the grocery store anymore, I think they can pick it out for you and have it all bagged and ready to go before you get there, which in itself is kinda crazy. How do you know they’re picking out quality shit as opposed to the crap that’s been sitting there for a week? Who wants meat that has been sitting in the case for a week? They probably keep the food that’s going to be picked up on the side next to the garbage instead of in the glass case.
You see what they are doing to society? Turning us into lazy ass mother fuckers who sit around waiting for some unknown disgusting person who most likely just took a crap without washing their hands right before picking up your food and who could possibly be spitting or peeing on your McDonalds, to show up at the door so you can speed up your way to high cholesterol and a fatty liver.
Maybe we should rethink the Doordash card.
Anyways, I’m sure Lorraine won’t be doing or thinking any of this, she will be ordering only healthy food, it’s it’s even possible.
I thank you and Lorraine’s soon to be departed bosoms thank you.

Send all your money to Michelle’s venmo, @michelle-march-7

Run 400
20 PVC Pass Throughs
I’s, Y’s and T’s x 10
Banded Int/Ext Rotations x 10
Face Pulls x 10
Inchworm x 10

Every 3 min (5) Sets:
Bench Press 6-8 reps
Barbell Bent Over Row 6-8 reps
Perform a drop set for the 5th set of each

3 sets (failure should be at these rep ranges)
Dips 8-12
DB Skull Crushers 8-12
BB or DB Shrugs 8-12
Front Plate Raises 8-12
DB Side Laterals 10-12
Standing BB Curls 8-10
Last set drop set for each exercise

KB Halo x 10 ea. direction
Around the worlds x 20 ea. direction
KB Windmill x 5 ea. side
Single Leg RDL with Row x 10 ea. side

1. Pallof Press :30 hold each side then :30 rest x 2 sets
2. Half Kneeling Banded Chops :30 each side then :30 rest x 2 sets
3. Banded Russian Twists :30 each side then :30 rest x 2
4. Side Plank Rows :30 each side then :30 rest x 2
5. Banded Plank Row :30 hold each side :30 rest x 2 sets
6. Dead Bug with static band hold :30 on/ :30 rest x 2 sets
7. Copenhagen Plank :30 hold each side/ :30 rest x 2 sets
8. Hip Extension holds 2-3 Min hold

15-12-9-6
Power Clean 135/95
Burpee Box Jump 24/20

Run 400
1 Min Deep squat
10 Goblet Squat
10 Squat and reach
10 Cossack
10 World’s greatest stretch
5 Inchworm
10 Bird Dogs
10 Dead bugs
10 Single Leg Glute Bridge

Every 2:30
10 x 10
Back Squats
Swings
Increase 5-10 from last week

10 Min Amrap
5 Pull ups
10 Push ups
15 V-up
Shoot for 8-10 Rounds

NO NIGHT CLASSES FOR FRIDAY.
6, 7, 8:30, 9:30 AND 12 FOR FRIDAY.
IF YOU’RE SHOWING UP SATURDAY, REMEMBER THE CLASS IS AT 7:30
YOU SHOULD SHOW UP IF YOU’RE GOING TO STUFF YOUR FACE FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN DO THE SAME ALL WEEKEND.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL.
HOW IS DRINKING AND EATING CRAP UNTIL YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT AND THEN REPEATING THAT SAME BEHAVIOR FOR THE NEXT TWO DAYS A CELEBRATION.
YOU KNOW WHAT A CELEBRATION IS?
MAKING IT THROUGH A HOLIDAY WEEKEND WITHOUT MAKING A MESS OUT OF YOURSELF.
WAKING UP THE NEXT MORNING WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY AND LIKE A FUCKIIN SLOB FOR OVEREATING, THAT’S A FUCKIN CELEBRATION!

The greatest achievement of the processed food industry wasn’t inventing another artificially flavored snack—it was convincing an entire population that every date on the calendar is a sacred obligation to gorge themselves. Through decades of relentless propaganda masquerading as advertising, they’ve transformed gluttony into patriotism, excess into family tradition, and metabolic dysfunction into “making memories.”

Every holiday now comes with the same unspoken commandment: consume until discomfort, congratulate yourself for your lack of restraint, and repeat the ritual a few weeks later under the banner of yet another celebration. It’s a brilliant racket. The corporations manufacture the cravings, sell the solution, normalize the consequences, and then happily profit again from the next round of products promising to undo the damage.

We’ve become remarkably obedient participants in the spectacle—lining up on cue to stuff our fucking faces because a marketing department decided that every occasion deserves another mountain of ultra-processed calories. Somewhere along the way, moderation became antisocial, discipline became deprivation, and saying “No thanks, I’m full” became more offensive than the industrial-scale manipulation that convinced us this circus was normal in the first place.

Run 400
Around the World x 20 each direction
Hip Airplane x 10
Single Leg RDL w/ KB x 10
Cat-Cow x 10
Bird Dog x 10
Side Plank clamshell x 10
Dead bug x 10
Single leg glute bridge x 10

Every 3 min x 5
Deadlift x 5
DB Bulgarian Split Squats x 8
Goblet Side Lunges x 6
Increase from last week

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1
Thruster @75/55
Burpee
20 Double Unders between each set (200 D.U.)
If you still choose not to practice double unders therefore guaranteeing that you will never become proficient in them, your punishment will be 20 V-Ups instead.
I hope your abs hurt so much that you can’t eat anything this weekend.